Olympic-size Withdrawal

Do you miss the thrill of watching Apolo Anton Ohno round the corner sneakily on his ice skates as he speeds to another record-setting victory? Do you find yourself humming NBC’s “Olympics Theme Song” and the network’s related (fabricated) mood music as you pursue your daily routines?

I admit to experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the just-concluded Winter Olympics in Vancouver, and the only immediate fix is to fantasize about my cats performing in a feline version of the ultimate sporting competition.

Lucius, who can jump on a table set for dinner and not touch a single glass, would excel at the luge. Lydia, whose grace and agility leave me breathless, would win the gold medal for women’s figure skating. Lillie, our resident beauty who resembles a Norwegian forest cat, would look fantastic in a skin-tight ski suit and would ace the freestyle race. Perkins and Miss Tommie might have been persuaded to try pairs ice dancing—I am betting that their sister act would have won over the notoriously stern-faced judges. T.J. and his brother, Leo, along with their half-brothers, Linus and Alvar, would take a medal in the bobsleigh three-man heat, for certain!

Now our big and lovable L.B. is another story. At a whopping 25 pounds, would he survive the qualifying rounds in the first place? Judges might question whether he took body-building enhancement drugs to achieve his size. Could L.B. compete, much less win? You see, L.B.’s idea of a sporting event is to jump on the bed, with a resounding thud, make his way to my pillow, and cuddle next to me each night. Perhaps I am judging him too harshly. I’ll go ahead and bet that L.B. would have brought up the rear in snowboarding.

I am biased, of course, but I have to think all ten cats would make an unbeatable ice hockey team.

Query of the Day: Did you and your cats watch the Olympics together?